What Wondrous Love

As a part of Holy Week, my pastor has been posting daily meditations about the events leading up to Jesus' death. They have been so good to read and to be able to reflect on Christ's sufferings. In Philippians 3:10 it says, "that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death." It is through sharing in his sufferings that we can know Him in a new and deeper way.

Today's reflection was about betrayal. Jesus was betrayed in many ways that last week: by Judas- who was the one who turned Him in, by His disciples in the garden who couldn't stay awake to pray with Him, and by Peter- who denied even knowing Him 3 times. This was Jesus' weakest time, a time where He needed His closest friends to support and comfort Him, but instead they all left Him. Being fully human, Jesus felt all of the emotions and hurt that comes with being betrayed by those closest to you, but He never responded out of that hurt. He always responded out of love. He greeted Judas as "friend" in the garden, He healed the soliders ear that Peter cut off, and He asked His Father to forgive those who had beaten, mocked, and tortured Him. I can't comprehend this kind of Love, but it's beautiful and it compels me to love like this.  But that is hardly ever my response. I like to play the victim, have people feel sorry for me, and hold a grudge for awhile. There isn't freedom in that though, there is freedom in loving. There is also great risk in loving. There is the risk of being rejected or not receiving love back. But it's comforting to know that Jesus has been there too and continued to love in spite of the rejection and abandonment.

I am overwhelmed by His love and gentleness today and my prayer is that He would give me a heart like His, to love like Him.

Here is the link to the meditations
http://worldarena.tumblr.com/

Getting you up to speed

I have had a few people mention that they would like to see me update my blog a little more regularly so that they can keep up on what is happening. So, here is a little life update.

Just in the past month God has made clear the next step I am to take. Since coming back from Thailand I have desired to return and several options and ideas were swirling in my mind, but I was not getting the green light from God to pursue any of those options. At least any of the options that would get me to Thailand soon. He has opened up the door for me to go ahead and do the Church Planting Training School through my church here in Omaha, WayPoint. I'm really excited about doing the school because of the training that I'll receive and just the awesome people that I will get to know. The school will start in September and go to the end of January. Then, the whole month of February everyone in the school will go on a trip together. We don't know where yet, but somewhere overseas. The purpose of that trip is to go out all together and put into practice the things that we learned in the school and come alongside people who have been on the field for awhile and learn from them as well. We will also get to see how we work within our teams in real life situations and conflicts, but will be able to come back and process about what worked, what didn't, and what needs to change. After returning from that short term trip, the plan is then for me and my potential team to be sent to Thailand for a minimum of 2 years. I don't really know what it is all going to look like at this point, but I'm ok not knowing all of the details. God will work them out at the right time.

As I wait to start the school I am going to continue nannying, but will start this week helping out the guy in charge of putting this whole school together. I will be in charge of planning our trip down to World Mandate (a missions conference put on by Antioch Community Church in Waco, TX whom we are affiliated with), helping plan the 5 week trip, and also helping in the process of getting our non-profit status as a sending agency. I'm not really sure what I'm getting myself into, but I know that I am going to learn a lot and gain some good experience.

Friendship at the Margins

I started reading this book today, Friendship at the Margins, by Christopher Heuertz and Christine D. Pohl. I'm not even through the introduction and there are so many things that are speaking to me, challenging me, and re-shaping my thinking. I love books that do that, paradigm shifting books. Here are a couple quotes from the book that stood out to me...

"Evangelism, and even the notion of mission itself, has sometimes been reduced to the words we share with another person, telling them about Jesus, salvation or eternal life. Words are important but they can also be cheap. If we use words and get words in response, sometimes we think we've done mission or evangelism. Ministry among poor and vulnerable people reminds us that words are rarely enough- what each of us needs is to know that we are loved by Jesus, beloved of God. Everything else flows from that."

"Mission or ministry with people who are poor or vulnerable often assumes that "our" task is to meet "their" needs. Whether their need is for the good news of Christ or for the bread and a place to sleep, we tend to think that we have the resources and they have the needs. A focus on friendship rearranges our assumptions. What if the resources they have also meet our needs? What if Jesus is already present in ways that will minister to us? What if in sharing life together as friends we all move closer to Jesus' heart?"

I'm sure I will have more thoughts and insights to come as I get deeper into the book, so we'll just leave it here for now. 

I have been feeling out of sync with God for awhile now, but it didn't really hit me until today. I have been walking with Him consistently, haven't strayed or anything but something has been missing. I have been missing out on relationship and intimacy with my Father. My heart has not been delighting in Him and I have forgotten what it looks like to just be and what it means to enjoy God. There hasn't been joy in seeking Him, it has seemed more like a task than a relationship. I realized that the cause of this is that I have been seeking Him for an answer, for direction, for clarity, not for the purpose of knowing Him or letting Him love on me.

In the months leading up to Thailand and even for the couple weeks I was there my prayer has been for direction and for the next step in my future. But one day while in Thailand I was visiting a ministry called Dton Naam and the staff asked if there was anything I needed prayer for. My request was for direction and clarity during my time there... surprise, surprise. But as they were praying, one of the women got a word. She said she felt like I have a really sweet relationship with God and that He wanted to remind me that I am His Beloved Daughter. She also said that I have captured God's heart but He wants more of mine. What I didn't see in that moment was that God was inviting me to fellowship and intimacy with Him, reminding me of my position as Daughter and that it is ok to just be. I don't always need to be doing or serving. He cares for me and my heart is valuable to Him and He wants to be with me too. And when I enter deeper into that relationship He reveals Himself more and the direction I was so desperately looking for comes. A quote from a devotional that I read really hits head on,
"Bring me all that puzzles thee. Many questions need no answer, for when the heart is at one with the Father, there comes an illumination of Spirit which transcends thought. Understanding becomes a state of heart rather than an achievement of the mind."

Along with this relationship stuff I have been thinking a lot about God's will and His will for the individual. Every time I come to this topic I am reminded of something my pastor said. He said, "God's will is not a tight rope that we have to fear missing or falling off of, it is a garden for us to explore and enjoy." I think I have been walking that tightrope lately and I need to be shown the garden. God has given us the freedom to make choices and when we are walking with Him in relationship we will make choices that please Him, so I don't need to be so worried about making a "wrong choice." There is freedom and life in Him that I have been missing out on because I have been so concerned with getting an answer from Him. God did reveal many opportunities for me in Thailand, but I am not going to stress about making a right decision. In this season I am going to run hard after Him without an agenda and learn to seek Him for who He is instead of for what He can do for me or give me. I know that His Spirit will lead me in the way I should go as I press deeper into relationship.

Beautiful Mercy

Right now the Lord is taking me through a season in the wilderness. Some of it is part of dealing with the transition of coming back from Mali, but a lot of it is Him dealing with past hurts and wounds and a lot the junk that's in my heart. As I continue in this process of discovering these wounds and the lies that they have brought with them, I am experiencing healing from those things and I see how God is preparing me for the future. He is clearing out the dross, but at the same time bringing healing and freedom to my heart that I didn't realize was as broken as it is. But brokenness isn't such a bad place to be, sure it's hard and there's even pain but I believe that God is closer in those times, or maybe it's that I draw closer to Him. Which ever way I know that God is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18) and in these times of brokenness He can have His way in us. I find that as I empty myself, He fills me with more of Him and that is what I desire. More of Him, to know Him more and to bring Him to those that don't know Him. He's preparing me to go and will use this time to bring Him glory and to even help others in the future. You can minister much more effectively to the broken when you have been there yourself. I'm thankful for this time even though it's hard, it's lonely, and almost disturbing as I see what is in my heart. But I am experiencing His love, healing, freedom, and mercy like I never have before. Never have I felt God's love so strong in my life as He speaks to my broken heart that I am valuable and have worth in Him. His love is unconditional and steadfast and nothing can ever separate us from it. As He brings us through these seasons He is faithful to walk through them with us.

The song "Beautiful Mercy" by Laura Hackett really describes perfectly where I'm at...

There is no pitt too deep
that Jesus cannot reach

there is no sorrow too strong
that will overtake his beloved ones

And He's brought me to the wilderness
where I will learn to sing

And He lets me know my barrenness
so I will learn to lean

Yes He's brought me to this wilderness
where I will learn to sing
and He lets me know my barrenness
so I will learn to lean
so kind oh beautiful mercy
do what you have to do

Jealous Lover

Do what you have to do (You know the best way)
oh Beautiful Mercy
do what you have to do

Jealous Lover

do what you have to do

So I will sing
yes I will sing
even in the brokenness
I will sing
even in this loneliness

Back from Mali, Going to....

I have been back from Mali now for almost 2 months. Transitioning back into "normal" life was so easy at first, it almost seemed as if I never left. But as I get deeper into life at home and further away from my experience I realize, things have changed, I have changed. When I first got back and even now it is hard to talk about Mali, not because it was a bad experience, but I just can't put it all into words; especially words that people would understand. What I've come to realize is that most won't understand, and that's hard. The people that I am closest to can't share in something that was such a major part of my life and that piece of me they can never fully understand. That has been one of the biggest challenges for me lately, just dealing with the loneliness and feeling out of place. My biggest support group of friends is no longer close, we are all spread out in different cities and states, so it's hard to stay in touch and really share our hearts. All of these things that I am experiencing and feeling are apart of re-entry shock, which is part of the normal process in coming back from a cross-cultural experience. It may be normal, but it is hard because it's a process of trying to figure out who you are and now how do you fit in. It will be a journey... 

I may seem a little bit crazy to plan another trip overseas so soon after I get back, but I know that God has called me to go. So, I am leaving in December to go to....

THAILAND!

I will be in Bangkok, Thailand for 2 weeks visiting and working alongside different ministries that work with women coming out of prostitution. 

About a year and a half ago I was introduced to the issue of Human Trafficking and the atrocities that happen specifically in Cambodia and Thailand. This was my first real exposure to the issue and my heart was wrenched by what I heard. I began searching and asking many questions trying to find out as much as I possibly could. God was touching my heart and prompting me to dig deeper. I started reading everything I could get my hands on and watched several movies that showed how these women and children get trapped in this slavery. 

Last October,  a friend and I presented on this issue for one of our chapels at Grace. God was using me to pray and spread awareness but at that time I had no idea if I was to be apart of this any further. The months after presenting, my heart was so heavy and Thailand was constantly on my mind. As I prayed about what to do with this burden I felt like God said it was time to go, time to see. Thailand is a major source, transit, and destination country for human trafficking.  800,000 children under the age of 16 work as prostitutes in Thailand, of which 200,000 are under the age of 12. This is a huge problem in this country and all over the world and there is need for people to love on these women and children, to show them that they do have worth and value and that there is a God who loves them and wants to heal and restore them. I am excited to get to be apart of that for this short time, but I know that my heart is not fully prepared for all that I am going to see and experience. Through praying about this trip, I know that God has something big in store and that this will really be a defining time for me and I will gain new direction. 

Please check out these links to the ministries that I will be working with!

http://www.nightlightinternational.com/  Night Light

http://www.rahabministriesthailand.com/  Rahab House

http://www.servantworks.com/well  The Well

A Heavy Heart...

This blog post is going to give you a glimpse into what has been heavy on my heart for the past year.  I wasn’t expecting to encounter this here in Bougouni, but it’s here and very close…

A few nights ago we (my team and I) were giving our presentation about what we have observed in the culture to one of our professors. She mentioned that many things can go unnoticed when trying to observe what is happening around us. She then told us that earlier that evening she was at the gate (we live on a gated/walled compound) with Uncle Joseph and a woman walked by, greeted Uncle Joseph and continued walking. Well, we live off of a major road that goes through town so many trucks stop and park in front of the compound for the night to sleep. The woman walked around the truck like she was just passing by, but Uncle Joseph noticed that she went around to the back of the truck to where the driver was sleeping in a tent. He said, “This is the problem, she greeted me so she pretended she was just passing by, but really this man has called her to come.” When our professor started the story I had no idea that it was leading to THIS. There is prostitution happening right outside of our gate? Across the wall that I can easily look over from our backyard? This news took me off guard and I had to force myself to keep it together. We finished our presentation and then I went off to another building so I could be alone. There was such a heaviness on my chest. I was overwhelmed and confused. I wanted to pray but could do nothing but cry. I felt completely wrecked and helpless. Earlier that morning I was reminded when reading in Romans 8 that “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.” Even though I had no words, the Spirit was interceding on my behalf and on behalf of those women and the men as well.

I think what was most overwhelming was that it is becoming reality. I have read many books, read blogs, heard stories, and even presented on this issue, but had not actually encountered it until now.  This is a worldwide problem, no country is without it or immune to it, it’s everywhere.  I feel as if this was a “garden moment” for me. I just finished reading a biography of Amy Carmichael and she explained that she had a vision of the Lord weeping and praying for the children (she ran a home that took in girls who were committed to being temple prostitutes). Elisabeth Elliot, who wrote the book said, “She knew it was the Lord, praying there in the garden for the children. So the burden was His, not hers. She need not ask Him to share it with her. He was asking her to share it with Him, to search with Him for the lost lambs.” I believe that God is sharing His burden with me for these women who are forced into this, who are trapped, who are so desperate that this seems to be the only means of survival. They need to know their worth and their value in Him.

I don’t know where this will lead me but I am trusting in His guidance and waiting on Him. For the time being I am going to focus on being here in Mali and what God has prepared for me here.

“Wherever you are - be all there.”

Jim Elliot

“God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with him.” 

Jim Elliot