I have been feeling out of sync with God for awhile now, but it didn't really hit me until today. I have been walking with Him consistently, haven't strayed or anything but something has been missing. I have been missing out on relationship and intimacy with my Father. My heart has not been delighting in Him and I have forgotten what it looks like to just be and what it means to enjoy God. There hasn't been joy in seeking Him, it has seemed more like a task than a relationship. I realized that the cause of this is that I have been seeking Him for an answer, for direction, for clarity, not for the purpose of knowing Him or letting Him love on me.

In the months leading up to Thailand and even for the couple weeks I was there my prayer has been for direction and for the next step in my future. But one day while in Thailand I was visiting a ministry called Dton Naam and the staff asked if there was anything I needed prayer for. My request was for direction and clarity during my time there... surprise, surprise. But as they were praying, one of the women got a word. She said she felt like I have a really sweet relationship with God and that He wanted to remind me that I am His Beloved Daughter. She also said that I have captured God's heart but He wants more of mine. What I didn't see in that moment was that God was inviting me to fellowship and intimacy with Him, reminding me of my position as Daughter and that it is ok to just be. I don't always need to be doing or serving. He cares for me and my heart is valuable to Him and He wants to be with me too. And when I enter deeper into that relationship He reveals Himself more and the direction I was so desperately looking for comes. A quote from a devotional that I read really hits head on,
"Bring me all that puzzles thee. Many questions need no answer, for when the heart is at one with the Father, there comes an illumination of Spirit which transcends thought. Understanding becomes a state of heart rather than an achievement of the mind."

Along with this relationship stuff I have been thinking a lot about God's will and His will for the individual. Every time I come to this topic I am reminded of something my pastor said. He said, "God's will is not a tight rope that we have to fear missing or falling off of, it is a garden for us to explore and enjoy." I think I have been walking that tightrope lately and I need to be shown the garden. God has given us the freedom to make choices and when we are walking with Him in relationship we will make choices that please Him, so I don't need to be so worried about making a "wrong choice." There is freedom and life in Him that I have been missing out on because I have been so concerned with getting an answer from Him. God did reveal many opportunities for me in Thailand, but I am not going to stress about making a right decision. In this season I am going to run hard after Him without an agenda and learn to seek Him for who He is instead of for what He can do for me or give me. I know that His Spirit will lead me in the way I should go as I press deeper into relationship.