I have been feeling out of sync with God for awhile now, but it didn't really hit me until today. I have been walking with Him consistently, haven't strayed or anything but something has been missing. I have been missing out on relationship and intimacy with my Father. My heart has not been delighting in Him and I have forgotten what it looks like to just be and what it means to enjoy God. There hasn't been joy in seeking Him, it has seemed more like a task than a relationship. I realized that the cause of this is that I have been seeking Him for an answer, for direction, for clarity, not for the purpose of knowing Him or letting Him love on me.

In the months leading up to Thailand and even for the couple weeks I was there my prayer has been for direction and for the next step in my future. But one day while in Thailand I was visiting a ministry called Dton Naam and the staff asked if there was anything I needed prayer for. My request was for direction and clarity during my time there... surprise, surprise. But as they were praying, one of the women got a word. She said she felt like I have a really sweet relationship with God and that He wanted to remind me that I am His Beloved Daughter. She also said that I have captured God's heart but He wants more of mine. What I didn't see in that moment was that God was inviting me to fellowship and intimacy with Him, reminding me of my position as Daughter and that it is ok to just be. I don't always need to be doing or serving. He cares for me and my heart is valuable to Him and He wants to be with me too. And when I enter deeper into that relationship He reveals Himself more and the direction I was so desperately looking for comes. A quote from a devotional that I read really hits head on,
"Bring me all that puzzles thee. Many questions need no answer, for when the heart is at one with the Father, there comes an illumination of Spirit which transcends thought. Understanding becomes a state of heart rather than an achievement of the mind."

Along with this relationship stuff I have been thinking a lot about God's will and His will for the individual. Every time I come to this topic I am reminded of something my pastor said. He said, "God's will is not a tight rope that we have to fear missing or falling off of, it is a garden for us to explore and enjoy." I think I have been walking that tightrope lately and I need to be shown the garden. God has given us the freedom to make choices and when we are walking with Him in relationship we will make choices that please Him, so I don't need to be so worried about making a "wrong choice." There is freedom and life in Him that I have been missing out on because I have been so concerned with getting an answer from Him. God did reveal many opportunities for me in Thailand, but I am not going to stress about making a right decision. In this season I am going to run hard after Him without an agenda and learn to seek Him for who He is instead of for what He can do for me or give me. I know that His Spirit will lead me in the way I should go as I press deeper into relationship.

Beautiful Mercy

Right now the Lord is taking me through a season in the wilderness. Some of it is part of dealing with the transition of coming back from Mali, but a lot of it is Him dealing with past hurts and wounds and a lot the junk that's in my heart. As I continue in this process of discovering these wounds and the lies that they have brought with them, I am experiencing healing from those things and I see how God is preparing me for the future. He is clearing out the dross, but at the same time bringing healing and freedom to my heart that I didn't realize was as broken as it is. But brokenness isn't such a bad place to be, sure it's hard and there's even pain but I believe that God is closer in those times, or maybe it's that I draw closer to Him. Which ever way I know that God is close to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18) and in these times of brokenness He can have His way in us. I find that as I empty myself, He fills me with more of Him and that is what I desire. More of Him, to know Him more and to bring Him to those that don't know Him. He's preparing me to go and will use this time to bring Him glory and to even help others in the future. You can minister much more effectively to the broken when you have been there yourself. I'm thankful for this time even though it's hard, it's lonely, and almost disturbing as I see what is in my heart. But I am experiencing His love, healing, freedom, and mercy like I never have before. Never have I felt God's love so strong in my life as He speaks to my broken heart that I am valuable and have worth in Him. His love is unconditional and steadfast and nothing can ever separate us from it. As He brings us through these seasons He is faithful to walk through them with us.

The song "Beautiful Mercy" by Laura Hackett really describes perfectly where I'm at...

There is no pitt too deep
that Jesus cannot reach

there is no sorrow too strong
that will overtake his beloved ones

And He's brought me to the wilderness
where I will learn to sing

And He lets me know my barrenness
so I will learn to lean

Yes He's brought me to this wilderness
where I will learn to sing
and He lets me know my barrenness
so I will learn to lean
so kind oh beautiful mercy
do what you have to do

Jealous Lover

Do what you have to do (You know the best way)
oh Beautiful Mercy
do what you have to do

Jealous Lover

do what you have to do

So I will sing
yes I will sing
even in the brokenness
I will sing
even in this loneliness

Back from Mali, Going to....

I have been back from Mali now for almost 2 months. Transitioning back into "normal" life was so easy at first, it almost seemed as if I never left. But as I get deeper into life at home and further away from my experience I realize, things have changed, I have changed. When I first got back and even now it is hard to talk about Mali, not because it was a bad experience, but I just can't put it all into words; especially words that people would understand. What I've come to realize is that most won't understand, and that's hard. The people that I am closest to can't share in something that was such a major part of my life and that piece of me they can never fully understand. That has been one of the biggest challenges for me lately, just dealing with the loneliness and feeling out of place. My biggest support group of friends is no longer close, we are all spread out in different cities and states, so it's hard to stay in touch and really share our hearts. All of these things that I am experiencing and feeling are apart of re-entry shock, which is part of the normal process in coming back from a cross-cultural experience. It may be normal, but it is hard because it's a process of trying to figure out who you are and now how do you fit in. It will be a journey... 

I may seem a little bit crazy to plan another trip overseas so soon after I get back, but I know that God has called me to go. So, I am leaving in December to go to....

THAILAND!

I will be in Bangkok, Thailand for 2 weeks visiting and working alongside different ministries that work with women coming out of prostitution. 

About a year and a half ago I was introduced to the issue of Human Trafficking and the atrocities that happen specifically in Cambodia and Thailand. This was my first real exposure to the issue and my heart was wrenched by what I heard. I began searching and asking many questions trying to find out as much as I possibly could. God was touching my heart and prompting me to dig deeper. I started reading everything I could get my hands on and watched several movies that showed how these women and children get trapped in this slavery. 

Last October,  a friend and I presented on this issue for one of our chapels at Grace. God was using me to pray and spread awareness but at that time I had no idea if I was to be apart of this any further. The months after presenting, my heart was so heavy and Thailand was constantly on my mind. As I prayed about what to do with this burden I felt like God said it was time to go, time to see. Thailand is a major source, transit, and destination country for human trafficking.  800,000 children under the age of 16 work as prostitutes in Thailand, of which 200,000 are under the age of 12. This is a huge problem in this country and all over the world and there is need for people to love on these women and children, to show them that they do have worth and value and that there is a God who loves them and wants to heal and restore them. I am excited to get to be apart of that for this short time, but I know that my heart is not fully prepared for all that I am going to see and experience. Through praying about this trip, I know that God has something big in store and that this will really be a defining time for me and I will gain new direction. 

Please check out these links to the ministries that I will be working with!

http://www.nightlightinternational.com/  Night Light

http://www.rahabministriesthailand.com/  Rahab House

http://www.servantworks.com/well  The Well

A Heavy Heart...

This blog post is going to give you a glimpse into what has been heavy on my heart for the past year.  I wasn’t expecting to encounter this here in Bougouni, but it’s here and very close…

A few nights ago we (my team and I) were giving our presentation about what we have observed in the culture to one of our professors. She mentioned that many things can go unnoticed when trying to observe what is happening around us. She then told us that earlier that evening she was at the gate (we live on a gated/walled compound) with Uncle Joseph and a woman walked by, greeted Uncle Joseph and continued walking. Well, we live off of a major road that goes through town so many trucks stop and park in front of the compound for the night to sleep. The woman walked around the truck like she was just passing by, but Uncle Joseph noticed that she went around to the back of the truck to where the driver was sleeping in a tent. He said, “This is the problem, she greeted me so she pretended she was just passing by, but really this man has called her to come.” When our professor started the story I had no idea that it was leading to THIS. There is prostitution happening right outside of our gate? Across the wall that I can easily look over from our backyard? This news took me off guard and I had to force myself to keep it together. We finished our presentation and then I went off to another building so I could be alone. There was such a heaviness on my chest. I was overwhelmed and confused. I wanted to pray but could do nothing but cry. I felt completely wrecked and helpless. Earlier that morning I was reminded when reading in Romans 8 that “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will.” Even though I had no words, the Spirit was interceding on my behalf and on behalf of those women and the men as well.

I think what was most overwhelming was that it is becoming reality. I have read many books, read blogs, heard stories, and even presented on this issue, but had not actually encountered it until now.  This is a worldwide problem, no country is without it or immune to it, it’s everywhere.  I feel as if this was a “garden moment” for me. I just finished reading a biography of Amy Carmichael and she explained that she had a vision of the Lord weeping and praying for the children (she ran a home that took in girls who were committed to being temple prostitutes). Elisabeth Elliot, who wrote the book said, “She knew it was the Lord, praying there in the garden for the children. So the burden was His, not hers. She need not ask Him to share it with her. He was asking her to share it with Him, to search with Him for the lost lambs.” I believe that God is sharing His burden with me for these women who are forced into this, who are trapped, who are so desperate that this seems to be the only means of survival. They need to know their worth and their value in Him.

I don’t know where this will lead me but I am trusting in His guidance and waiting on Him. For the time being I am going to focus on being here in Mali and what God has prepared for me here.

“Wherever you are - be all there.”

Jim Elliot

“God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with him.” 

Jim Elliot

We have been in Mali for a little over a week now, but it is hard to process what I am experiencing here. My mind is a little cloudy, partly because the heat makes it hard to think, but also because we are experiencing so many new things. For me, journaling is a good outlet to help me process what I am going through. Here is a part of my journal from the beginning of the week:

Life here is not exactly easy. There are fewer luxuries than we have in the states and having to learn another language is hard. I was thinking about if I could do this for the rest of my life, not necessarily here (in Mali), but wherever God calls me. It would be very hard at times, but doesn't the reward offset what we have to sacrifice and give up? Jesus didn't promise a comfortable life, but an abundant one and abundance comes from bringing the Kingdom to earth. That is why we much consider the cost, forsake all, and leave mother and father. Is Jesus worth it? He gave all for me, and I can give my life and the work of my hands back to Him as a living sacrifice. I think I have counted the cost and it is worth it to me to know Christ and to be apart of His work, and we will know Him better through His sufferings. Nothing else is going to last but that. I want my life to mean something and make an impact for eternity. I am still learning, still growing, still trying to be bold and move out in confidence. Jesus will equip me to what He calls me to. I know He is at work in me, changing my heart, and bringing me from glory to glory. I think what I struggle with is overcoming selfishness and the flesh that wants to do what I want to do and not giving myself to others, considering them better than myself. I want to learn how to be more intentional with time and people. I want to love better, to love like Jesus; to have a deeper understanding of His love and to live out of an overflow of that. This is a process, and a constant struggle. We will not fully reach that kind of love in this life, but we still need to long for it. I also long for more of a boldness of speech, not being ashamed of the gospel, and to have a deeper confidence in Him and who I am in Him.

The day before I left, I was at church and I received some encouragement. A man came up to me and said that the Lord had given him 1 Peter 1: 7-8 for me and my teammate that was with me. That passage says, "that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory." I meditated on this for a few days and believe that my time in Mali will be a testing of my faith and it will be hard, but through it I will know Jesus better and for that I am excited and encouraged. I now see the importance of this time here because before I left I was a little unsure of the purpose of this trip even though I knew that God had called me to this. This will be a time of learning and growing spiritually and academically. I am excited to see how God will work and reveal Himself.

One week...

Today is the one week marker until we leave for Mali! It hasn't set in yet that this is really happening and probably won't until the night before or when we actually get there.

I haven't updated lately about my funds, but I am technically FULLY funded! The night that I posted about still needing $322 I received a text from a family member saying God was leading them to pay for the rest of my trip! God is so good. I keep saying that but it's so true and I feel like there are no other words to describe what He has done in this situation other than He is always faithful and is our Provider. I have heard that there is more money being sent in as well and that is awesome because we as a team are still short. One of our team mates is still about $3000 short, so if you feel lead to give to her checks can be sent to:

Grace University
Development Offices
1311 S 9th
Omaha, NE 68108

and the checks made out to Grace University and in the memo Christian Olson Mali EDGE 2010

Thank you to all who have prayed with me in this and for those who have given! God chooses to work through His people and allows us to be apart of His Kingdom building and His work, which I think is wonderfully humbling knowing that our all powerful God would choose to use us for His purposes and allow us to be apart of it.

Well, today was the day that the loan needed to be turned in. God is faithful and has provided $943 this week! So that puts me down to $1,322.48. My parent's decided just to add $1,000 to the school loan, so that means I still need to raise $322.48, but God is good and I have faith that He will provide. There is still 10 days before all of the funds need to be in, but if God can bring in that much in a week I don't doubt that He can bring this in. I will keep praying and believing.

"But without faith it is impossible to please Him, for he who comes to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him." Hebrews 11:6

Jehovah Jireh (The Lord who provides) and a Lesson in Faith

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.  "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:7-11

This past week has definitely been a lesson in faith and learning how to completely rely on Jesus. Last Monday I talked with my dad about the reality of my finances for my trip to Mali. At that time I still had
$2,2278.48 to raise by the end of January. I had no prospects of more support to come in, so that left us with the option to add the amount to my school loan, which my parents are paying for. My dad responded, "I knew you couldn't raise all of the money and that we would have to pay for the rest of it. This is how it's going to be the rest of your life. This is why you need to find a job where you make an income." We have had several talks about my future and how I will not be able to support myself. I have told my parents several times that God will provide for me and I firmly believe it. But for my parents I think they need to SEE it. After he said this God came over me and I knew I needed to take a step of faith and ask Him to provide the rest of the money before the loan needs to be turned in. I immediately messaged friends to ask them to pray and believe with me. I want my parents to see God's power and provisions.

God began working already that night! I talked with a friend that I haven't talked to in almost year and she said that I have been on her mind lately, mostly at night when she goes through her prayer list. She asked if I needed prayer for anything, I replied YES and told her what was going on. She began to pray for me and my family. Then a few days later she called me and said that God did not put me on her heart for no reason, so she is sending me $300! What a wonderful God we serve, He knows our needs even before we express them. I have several more stories of brothers and sisters stepping up and supporting me. It has been incredible to see God working. I am so overwhelmed by His love and favor, He is a good Father.


The passage I posted at the beginning of this entry has become truth for me. You know how you can read something several times, but until you experience it it doesn't take on the same meaning? That's how this was for me. Sure I have asked God for things before, but never something this big. Asking Him to provide in this way made me really exercise faith and believe that He would. I felt completely vulnerable, but He loves when His children ask of Him because it shows dependence on Him. As Jim Yost, a missionary in Indonesia, said, "we need to live our lives in such a way that if God doesn't show up it's not going to work." I intend to live like that.

As of today I have received $513 and there is more coming! I am excited to tell my parents of all that God has done. All the glory goes to Him!